It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Just me and my debit card against the world
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?