@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

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@AimeeHelene1

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@ElCorf

“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…

Sitting on my face…”

@natalayhehoo

It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.

@BackrowSeats

You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.

@dshack8

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

@GreenishDuck

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

@justokpanda

Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@UnFitz

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

@JPHaddadio

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.