It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!