It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*


“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…

Sitting on my face…”


It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.


You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.


Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
CW: OMG! *runs away*


When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.


Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that


“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.


Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.