It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If you breakdance you buy dance.