@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

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@copymama

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

@pleatedjeans

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

@osigat

When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

@jus4golf

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

@awryaditi

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

@Lisabug74

My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.

@_eric_alexander

I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.

@drinksmcgee

[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…

@Jake_Vig

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

@jonnysun

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]