It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!