boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Matt Goss
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators