It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
That’s it.I’m out.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
yeah 😭
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.