It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*