@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

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@kumailn

Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.

@AaronFullerton

“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother

@thepaulahunt

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@IamEnidColeslaw

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

@TragicAllyHere

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

@eedrk

Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

@david8hughes

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

@eleanormtweets

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”