It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
one last job
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
As the Lord intended
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough