@pixelatedboat

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

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@ndiquote

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

@ddsmidt

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

@CareEg33

3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:

1) Butter
2) Windex
3) Divorce

@kumailn

We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.