[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:
We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.