It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

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Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.


One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.


Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex


Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine


You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.


So far at work I’ve straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.


Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you’re no detective.


Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.