@JimmerThatisAll

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

@Sirrruh

One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.

@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

@Godhatespants

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

@Probgoblin

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

@RealSugarFree

So far at work I’ve straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

@ManvAlcohol

Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you’re no detective.

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.