@EwaSR

it’s the silliest best thing

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@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@patcasey72

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

@david8hughes

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

@junejuly12

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

@Cryptic1iam

People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

@PinkCamoTO

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

@HiddenPinky

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers