it’s the silliest best thing

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Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.


Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.


“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”


Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…


People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.


When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”


“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers