It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!