It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.