it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Someone just threatened to call me later