@HatfieldAnne

It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?

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@myonlymizztake

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@benmekler

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

@starringmichell

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

@theshantilly

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

@CantWaitToNap

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

@mymonsterischic

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

@MattOswaltVA

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!