5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking