Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!