“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
You learn something every day
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
#merica
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school