@Divergentmama

It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.

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@sonictyrant

[After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i’d call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now

@cydbeer

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

@darksidedeb

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.

@jwoodham

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

@LostFelicia

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

@dumbbeezie

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

@PickleRudd

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

@dorsalstream

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.