It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.

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I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.


Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.


Cool puppy. What’s his name?
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”


if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.


Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?


*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation


[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.


Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost