I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.
It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.
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Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost