It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I wish I were this cool 😂
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Nomnomnomnom
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.