It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing