It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
You Might Also Like
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
How to draw a duck
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*