Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I have a big butt and I can not lie.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.