@SonOfCha

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

You Might Also Like

@CrockettForReal

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

@TragicAllyHere

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

@isabelzawtun

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

@NikiWithIssues

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.