It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
You Might Also Like
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”