Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You Might Also Like
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I’m not lazy
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots