It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
You Might Also Like
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sticker placement is key.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*