@Bob_Janke

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

- @Bob_Janke

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@envydatropic

I’ll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

@Birdhumms

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

@NotJPo

Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.

@themiltron

[the invention of knocking]

i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]