It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved