I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies