Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.