Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
You Might Also Like
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
what’s more important?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.