It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.