@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

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@soandrewyang

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

@DirtMcTurd

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

@DannyZuker

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@FoTweetsSake

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@GrantTanaka

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@semple42

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.