It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
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inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
How times have changed.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.