It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I told my vodka about you.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.