It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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So glad we cleared that up
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
the dark web is just a goth google.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.