It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Basketball
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me in tagged photos
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen