@TheTweetOfGod

It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.

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@collegefession

“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”

– Arcadia

@_Water_Baby

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@stanleybehrman

Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.

@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@MyNameIsArchaic

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

@PetrickSara

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@scrirc

I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

@Carbosly

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police