“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”
It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police