Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Please do it!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.