I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Breaking news:
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears