@dxblarssonENG

It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.

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@SteveKoehler22

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

@Lisabug74

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

@Mom_Overboard

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

@UncleDuke1969

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.