Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Cashier: Your total is $3,896
Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99
I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.