@dxblarssonENG

It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.

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@SnarkyMommy78

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

@tastefactory

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@CatherineLMK

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

@Eden_Eats

Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99

@kumailn

I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!

@AimeeHelene1

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.