You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
what the hell pray for carter everyone
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.