It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.