It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
We’ve all been there…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes