Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff