It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Smile they said.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.