It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.