Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy