@fridaycandy

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

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@redthe1

Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you

[Lowers shades]

Discomfortable?

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

@shatterpants

When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

@simoncholland

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@AbbyHasIssues

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

@Frankie_Val

100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail

@MavenofHonor

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases