It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.