@Mikecanrant

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

You Might Also Like

@iGreenMonk

This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.

@Sarcasmo718

C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.

@Kendragarden

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

@mela_shea

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

@sofarrsogud

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@daplusk

[date]
Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl?
Her: No, I’d love that
Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready
Her: um

@iheartgunts

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

@Heart_choo

It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.