Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
dutch so unserious
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Beauty and the Beast
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes