Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

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This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.


C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.


Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor


Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb


Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?


ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao


[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]


Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl?
Her: No, I’d love that
Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready
Her: um


I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.


It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.