It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
fixed it
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
That was easy.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.