If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!