It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.


I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.


My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING


“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”



do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence


Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.


*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*


My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.


M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?