It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly