It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.