@behindyourback: it's weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say "well, goodnight" and go to bed in the middle of parties they're hosting
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@TheToddWilliams: [Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why? [flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69] me: Why?
@rickygervais: Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
@NicCageMatch: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.