It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.