It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.